Fairy Tales: A Shinobi Tribute
by Kisoku no Yanagi
Summary: A collection of oneshots about certain shinobi in fairy tales. Second Chapter: The Three Shinobi Idiotic follows the same style, more or less
1. The Three Little Sandnins

**Fairy Tales: A Shinobi Tribute**

Chapter One: The Three Little Sand-nins

by Kisoku no Yanagi

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Once upon a time, in a little (well, okay, a big) village by the name of Sunagakure no Sato, which, coincidentally, meant Village Hiding in Sand. An apt name, for the little(big)dwelling area was in the middle of a desert. Although, the village wasn't exactly hiding. That's silly. 

In this village, were several peopl. There were the three little Sand-nins, Temari, Kankurou, and Gaara. Temari was rather tempestuous, considered a beauty by some, and considered a cow by others(Kankurou). Kankurou was a skilled puppeteer, and was a bit overweight for someone who lived in a desert village, where food was scarce and water scarcer.

Gaara...Gaara...Gaara was creepy. He had little black bags under his eyes brought on by forced insomnia. His stature was small, for someone of his age, and he was rather silent. Everyone in the village feared him. He will henceforth be labeled: The Village Goth Wannabe.

There were also the three little Sand-nins' father, Mean Mister Kazekage, and their kind uncle, Unc' Yasha. His full name was Yashamaru, and he actually hated strawberries, but not many people knew his name was Yashamaru, and even less people knew that he didn't like strawberries.

Chiyo-baa was also a resident of Suna, as were Baki and Sasori. Chiyo was an old lady, but she could still make a mean apricot-zucchini jam, as well as remain undefeated at limbo. Maybe because she was both shorter than 75 of the world's population, as well as a contortionist.

Baki was a scarred man, both mentally and physically. His face was covered with jagged, black burn marks on one side, and his lips were slightly reminiscent of a fish's. However, he was still voted Bachelor of the Year. Maybe because he had killed off all of the other bachelor candidates.

Sasori was also a skilled puppeteer, and would often play with Kankurou, making fun of his relatively clumsy attempts at puppetry. He was a queer man, already in his fifties, and yet looking no older than his twenty-year old self. He was always wearing a perpetually stoned expression, giving him the appearance of a crack addict.

All of these people lived in relative peace(Relative being the key word), until one day...

A funny man in a black cloak with red cotton balls(Akatsuki Leader: Clouds) imprinted on it came to the village one day, and spoke with Sasori. After he left, Sasori began to do weird things. That usually involved a thick, short branch, and lots of extremely slick lube, but that's another story.

He left one day, breaking both the heart and sanity of his grandmother, Chiyo-baa. He joined up with the funny man in the funnier cloak, and put on a funny cloak too. As a by-product of extensive plastic surgery, Sasori's face mutated into a funny puppet-looking thing, with cornrows and creepy little eyebrows. Thus, the Akatsuki Recruitment Age began.

This age was marked with the abandonment of several normally sane and productive citizens doing insane things, and then joining up with the funny man in the funnier cloak and the even funnier looking Sasori, and putting on ridiculously billowy robe-looking coats.

Take Uchiha Itachi, for example. In the beginning, he was a simple grain farmer, who helped his family, name Uchiha, respectively, with growing grain. This shouldn't have been a problem, but he was also a master magician and illusionist, and so, he was recruited by the Akatsuki, a group consisting of Leader, Sasori, Deidara, Kisame, Itachi, Zetsu, and some side-show attractions who had been hideously mutated by chemicals from a chemistry lab in a middle school in the middle of the Middle East, which was really in the middle of Africa, but by now you're probably sick of all the middles, so I'll cut off this rant/tonguetwister in the middle.

Anyways, the ramshackle group sought to create the greatest circus ever in the world. And what does a circus need, to become truly great?

Why, animals, of course! And the Akatsuki would not settle for just any animals, oh, no, they wanted the Bijuu. Legendary tailed demons, who could utterly destroy a person's mind with their utter cuteness.

(zooming in to chibi-Kyuubi)

See? Anyways, Itachi murdered his entire family, with the exception of his pet salamander, Ukki, and his pet plant, Sasuke.

And he henceforth set out on a quest of complete circus-ness.

And, you guessed it, Shukaku, the Ichibi, the One-tailed Bijuu, was the pet of none other than Gaara. Of course. No wonder he's so messed up.

And so, one day, the Akatsuki paid a visit to the Village Hidden in Sand, Sunagakure no Sato. Or, Suna. And they proceeded to stage a circus, having captured a Hanyou. And so, planning to snag Shukaku in the midst of the applause, the Akatsuki extended a special invitation to the three little Sand-nins.

And it would've worked, if it wasn't for the fact that Mean Mister Kazekage started to boo in the middle of the tightrope walk, claiming that Deidara cheated by putting mini-birds on his feet.

Well, of course, Deidara lifted his feet, showing that he didn't have mini-birds on his feet. Unfortunately, he did have mini-birds on his feet, and this started a huge wave of rotten strawberried being thrown(Mainly by Unc' Yasha, though no one could see him.).

In the middle of this riot, Unc' Yasha was hit over the head by a stray frying pan, and suffered a both a concussion, and a glimpse into telepathy.

"Gaara! I see..." Yashamaru began.

"What? What do you see, Unc' Yasha?" Gaara asked, clutching tightly onto Shukaku, who by now was cooing with delight, the very image of chibi kawaii-ness.

"Well, other than the fact that Mean Mister Kazekage has a cavity that he's been trying to drill for oil for the past three weeks, you must run!" the kind-hearted man shouted, making everyone stare. He threw a strawberry.

"Whatever do you mean, dear uncle?" Kankurou asked, his face paint running.

"Just run! Start a new life! And whatever you do; don't let the Akatsuki take Shukaku!" Yasha gasped, just as a large boulder hit the seat right next to him.

And so, the three siblings fled, each going their own separate ways. Temari built a house of several long reeds woven across many bamboo poles. Kankurou built a sturdy log cabin, with the best beer-polished furniture. And Gaara built a small hut out of steel, iron, and chakra-reinforced sand, with a large raccoon with strange designs all over it for the door.

One day, Temari heard a knock upon her fragile door. "What could that be, that makes a noise at my door so?" Temari wondered, and so, she opened the door.

Peering out at her from under a large hat were a pair of beady eyes. "Is this the home of Sabaku no Gaara?" Came a voice.

Temari raised an eyebrow and said, "Where have you been, Mr. Sasori?"

The voice growled. "You shut up, you."

"The answer is no, Mr. Sasori." Temari said firmly, and shut the door in the plastic surgery-mutated man's face.

"Little Sand-nin, little sand-nin, let me in!" Sasori yelled.

"No! Not by the non-existent pubic hair of my non-existent pubic hairs!" Temari yelled back.

"Then I'll pinch, and I'll poke, and I'll tickle this house to smithereens!" Sasori yelled again, and he did just that. The house of reeds and bamboo fell, like so many giggling toddlers.

Temari screamed as Sasori advanced. "AAIIIIEEEE! What are you going to do to me, Mister Sasori?"

Sasori put his hand on his hip, and waggled a finger. "Well, for starters, I'll probably rape you, and then butt-rape you. Then I'll kill you, and rape your dead body!" the Akatsuki member laughed, and closed his eyes, fantasizing about the whimpering female.

"Well, no, not really. But it sounds very creepy." Sasori admitted, opening his eyes. Alas, Temari was gone!

Temari ran, and ran, and ran until she could run no more. Coming to Kankurou's home, she heard voices coming from the back of the cabin. Putting her ear to the door, she listened.

"No, he doesn't live here, he hasn't lived here ever!" Yelled the voice of Kankurou.

"Then where does he live?" Came a silky, dangerous voice.

"No idea. Go away." Kankurou replied brusquely, and the sound of the back door slamming made its way to Temari's eardrums.

"Little sand-nin, little sand-nin, let me in!"the voice demanded.

"NO! Not by the non-existent armpit hair of my non-existent armpit hair!" Kankurou hollered, punching the door. On the other side, Temari stumbled backward, a migraine making its way towards her head. She leaned back in.

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll either blow this house down, or die from a heart-attack induced by eating too many fatty foods!"

And so the voice did. How a voice did it, no one knows to this day, but Kankurou swore there was no one there when the dust cleared.

"AAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE!" Both of the siblings screamed, not unlike a little girl, as the house came down around their ears. Running around in circles like a recently beheaded chicken, they ran into each other, got up, and ran towards Gaara's house, which was...

"Over the river and through the woods, to Ga-ara's house we go!"

At his house, Gaara was just finishing up some touches on a large statue of a spruce tree made of sand, when all of a sudden, Temari and Kankurou came in. Shutting the raccoon and locking it with a large key, and an equally large latch, Gaara raised an eyebrow in an inquisitive manner.

"HEY! OPEN UP!" Came a rather gravelly and sharky voice.

"No! Not by the abnormally-long nose hair of our abnormally-long nose hair!" Temari and Kankurou replied defiantly. Gaara raised his other eyebrow. Of course, since Gaara has no eyebrows, it's purely metaphorical, but that's not the point.

"Aren't you going to join in, oh lover of Shukaku?" the voice inquired, with genuine puzzlement in his voice. Gaara shook his head. How he expected a voice from outside to see him shaking his head, I don't know, but he obviously did, and the voice knew it too.

"Then I'll rub, and I'll lick, and I'll fellatio this house into a demolishing orgasm!" the voice yelled, and indeed, smacking and rubbing and slurping could be heard.

"How are you going to drive an inanimate object to an orgasm?" Gaara spoke up.

"Shut up."

And so, the voice fellatioed the house until Gaara finally lost all patience, and threw Shukaku out the window(which, interestingly enough, had been open the whole time.).

"Here, take it," Gaara said, his expression one of distaste. "But never again fellatio my house."

"ALRIGHT!" The voice cried, and yahoo'ed, and hurray'ed, and seemed to grow dimmer.

Gaara looked over to his celebrating siblings, and raised a non-existent eyebrow, then kicked THEM out the window as well.

And so, the single remaining sand-nin henceforth lived a very lonely life indeed, while the other two ran to the nearest gas station, and remain employees to this day.

THE END

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**Okay, I know this sounds like I wrote it while I was taking crack. I wasn't. I was smoking weed.( You all know I'm joking, right?) I love the Sand Sibs, but I can't help poking fun at them.**

**Gojyo: Hey, you have weed?**

**Kratos: Gimme.**

**Seta: Isn't weed bad for you?**

**Ye-**

**Gojyo: No, it's a very harmless substance, taken in mass quantities, and used to induce euphoria and temporary clinical insanity.**

**Seta: I don't know what that means, but it sounds smart. sniffs a bunch of weed**

**...Gojyo, you have no idea how much I'm going to hurt you. Anyways, please review! I'm trying to decide which one to do next, and I'd like to the Three Billy Goats Gruff, Team Seven style. But I'm not sure if I should do a different one first. Feedback would be appreciated.**

**Gojyo: Itachi's busy, so... please fla-**

**(kick)Go away, Prince of Beer.**


	2. The Three Shinobi Idiotic

1**Fairy Tales: A Shinobi Tribute**

**The Three Shinobi Idiotic**

by Kisoku no Yanagi

Yeh, know I said Team Seven, but it suddenly dawned on me that this would be easier to do. So, maybe I'll do Team Seven sometime later.

* * *

Once upon a time, three shinobi lived on a hill on the border of Otogakure no Sato and Konohagakure no Sato. They were the Legendary Sucker, the Legendary Pervert, and the Legendary ...um...Tongue. Their real names were Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru, respectively, but nobody knew that, for they were _legendary_ shinobi. Of course, the Sucker and the Pervert both being alchoholics, and the Tongue being Michael Jackson reincarnate, a lot of people from the younger generation didn't know THAT.

Now, every year, the three Legendaries would cross over a bridge connecting their hill to another, called the Great Naruto Bridge - Clone. The name was a blatant rip-off of the name of another bridge, the Great Naruto Bridge, in Wave Country, named after a hyper-active blonde boy who outdrank the daimyo and won the whole country because of the bet the daimyo had previously made.

While crossing the bridge, all three of them would also have to pay toll. The toll was not a small fee of 5 ryou, or maybe a strip tease from Tsunade, although that would most likely get the toll paid as well. The toll was giving the Youma underneath the bridge an offering of several hundred souls.

After passing the bridge, they would come to a grand and glorious place, filled with gambling dens and pachinko parlors for Sucker, several brothels and strip clubs for Pervert, and many, many orphanages for Tongue. This place was heaven for the Legendaries, and so, they went every year as a vacation.

However, there remained the problem of the Youma. Many times, the Youma(henceforth to be known as Kyuubi)was drunk when they crossed the bridge, and so, they passed without incident. Unfortunately, this could not always last...

One fine day, as the birds sang, and the grasses shone with dew, and flowers glistened with ethereal beauty, a foot came down, and crushed a bird, flattened the grasses, and stomped out the flowers.

"I hate these long-winded descriptions," said Pervert. Hark! Here cometh Sucker!

"Well. I hate 'em too, but at least I like flowers." Sucker replied, smashing Pervert's face with a gigantic uppercut.

"...I like little boys that angst a lot." Tongue hissed, his tongue licking his lips.

As the trio walked toward the Great Naruto Bridge - Clone, they suddenly saw a huge, demonic fox, who loomed up and said...

"Bob, the Builder, can we fix it! Bob, the builder, yes we can!" It sang, twirling about in a horrifying parody of light-heartedness.

"AAAIIIIIIEEEE!" Pervert screamed. "The demon has risen out of the depths of its fiery chasm!"

The nine-tailed fox-demon looked at him curiously, and spoke up. "Well, actually, its only about 30 feet deep, but I dug a bit deeper in parts."

Sucker looked up at the giant Youma, and mustering up her best cutesy voice, she pleaded, "Dear Mr. Youma, please let us pass!"

The Youma looked down at her, and smiled a ghastly smile. "Of course. But first, you must pay my toll!"

Tongue spoke up next. "And what is your toll?"

"Why, several hundred souls, of course! Bob the Builder videos at the nearest Youma-mart don't come cheap you know!" The great demon howled, as the Legendaries face-faulted.

"Hey, let us pass, you stupid fox!" Pervert yelled, throwing a banana at Kyuubi. The demon caught it one of it's tails, and the three looked incredulously as a small wisp of blue was drawn out of the banana, leaving it black and crispy and looking barbecued.

"Kuh! That's only half-a-soul! What are you playing at!" Kyuubi yelled, the sheer force of his voice blowing the Sannin back a couple of yards.

"Well, what if I gave you a strip-tease?" Sucker asked in an enticing voice. Kyuubi wrinkled his nose.

"I'm a different species, woman!" He yelled yet again.

"I'll give you a ticket to the next Harry Potter movie." Tongue stated, his voice...um...hissy.

"I don't like Harry Potter."

"A giant chocolate chip cookie?"

"My dentist forbids consumption of any sweets."

"How about a bottle of tequila?"

"Non-alchoholic(Yeh, right)."

"A bath?"

"Why do you think there's a bridge?"

"A porn mag?"

"As said, different species."

"I give up!" Sucker shouted, exasperated. She pointed at the giant Youma. "We have to get through him before seven o'clock, or the pachinko parlors will open without me!"

"Fine. We'll try to sneak through." Tongue suggested.

Pervert laughed, while Sucker looked skeptical. "Alright, but if we die, I'll kill you again in hell."

After several days of trying to get past the large and furry demon, the Legendaries had a great idea.

"What if we summon a big animal to fight him?" Tongue suggested, while Pervert and Sucker looked happy.

"That sounds like a good idea! I'll get Katsuyu," said Sucker. Both Tongue and Pervert shook their heads.

"Nope. Katsuyu is a slug. That thing will use it for an all-natural pesticide. I'll summon Gama Bunta." Pervert suggested, while the other two punched his face.

"Bunta is a frog. Foxes eat frogs. I'll summon Manda." Tongue said, and before any of the two could complain, he slammed his hands on the ground. In a giant puff of smoke came...

A cell phone. Picking it up, Orochimaru dialed a number, and started speaking in funny hisses.

(Phone call)

Tongue: Hissashaiakhu? (Is this Manda?)

Voldemort: Demaseniashaa...(No, this is Voldemort.)

Tongue: Netriakkushina...(Oh. Well, I need to find Manda, so bye.)

Voldemort: Shina, shiina...(Bye-bye...)

(Phone call #2)

Tongue: Hissashaiakhu? (Is this Manda?)

Harry: Demahousiaren...(No, this is Harry Potter)

Tongue: Netriakkushina...(Oh. Well, I need to find Manda, so bye.)

Harry: Kakkerienach...(I know where you live...)

Tongue: ...Gasharinah...(You perverted weasel, you.)

Harry: Bunormugasieth...(Coming from a pedophilic homo. At least I'm straight)

Tongue: (click/hang up)

Harry: Oh, be that way. Stupid little...

(Phone Call #3)

Tongue: Hissashaiakhu?(Is this Manda?)

Manda: Fhiisssssss...(Yes. You know I can understand normal speech, don't you?)

Tongue: Komietraichen...(Yes. So? It sounds better when I talk in Parseltongue.)

Manda: Kaashaanakh...(Cross-over endorser)

Tongue: Neitrech. (Shut up)

Manda: Well, I'll come over.

Tongue: You don't know where I am. And why did you switch to English?

Manda: Because your accent is terrible.

Tongue: Oh.

(Back to the bridge)

Closing the cell-phone, Tongue looked over at the other two. "He says he'll come."

"Alright, we'll just have to wait for a few minutes, right? Right?" Pervert said, earning him another punch.

And so they waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more.

"Hey, how is everyone? Sorry I'm late, I was hungry, so I looped around to the McDonald's." Manda explained.

Sucker raised an eyebrow. "The one with the PlayHouse?" Manda hung his head in shame.

"Well, either way, we need you to go beat him up." Tongue pointed in the direction of Kyuubi.

Manda looked at him, looked at Tongue, and then opened his mouth. "Hey, Kyuubi, long time no see!"

"Manda! Your accent is as terrible as ever!"

"Shut up. Listen, can you let these three pass?"

"Sorry, I'm broke, and the Bob the Builder soundtrack just came out."

"Oh, so that's how it is." Manda turned to the three, and smiled apologetically. "Well, I guess I have to fight him, don't I?"

Turning back to Kyuubi, he started looping himself into several patterns, circles, and ovals, and figure-eights. Then, striking without warning, he pushed Kyuubi over the bridge.

Rushing over the bridge, as Manda and Kyuubi slapped each other silly with their respective tails, the Legendaries whooped when they reached the other side. Then, looking back at the bridge, they noticed it was gone.

Indeed it was, for Kyuubi had grabbed it when he fell into a bottomless chasm, taking both the bridge and Manda with him.

"Well. You always told me it was pretty shallow." Manda said, looking at Kyuubi. Kyuubi shrugged.

"I also said I had dug a little deeper."

"It's my fault for picking a fight with you, dear Kyuubi, so let me take all the blame."

"Nono, it was my selfishness and addiction to Bob the Builder that forced them to summon you in the first place. The blame in mine."

"Mine."

"Mine."

"Mine."

"Mine."

By the time both reached bottom, they were each satisfied with the amount of oppressive blame they each had.

They blamed Tongue.

Meanwhile, the Legendaries were celebrating on the other side. Sucker was playing and losing horribly in a gambling den, Pervert was groping the geishas in one of the pleasure-houses, and Tongue was molesting little boys in an orphanage, much to the chagrin of the other children.

And they all lived quite happily(bless their souls, the perverted old geezers)ever after.

THE END

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**Well, all done. Man, this was a hell of a thing to write, I had to keep making Parseltongue phrases.**

**Soujiro: What's Parseltongue?**

**Gojyo, give him your copy of the Chamber of Secrets.**

**Gojyo: Movie, poster, book, Gamecube, PS2, PC, or Gameboy Advance?**

**...Movie.**

**Soujiro: I get to watch a movie? Yay!**

**Yeah. Yeah, you go do that. Anyways, please review, minna-san! Next up will be...um...well, I'm out of ideas, ehehe...I mean, I want to Hinatarella, but...I'm not sure on the roles, so if you have a request, please leave it in a review or e-mail.**

**Anyways, see ya!**


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